Saturday, May 1, 2010
what a week
this week has been such an effort i overdosed twice last weekend ending myself in ward 2b for a night managed to convince them that it was best if i went home i knew it wasn't but i didn't want to be there either being in that place scares me and i was thrown in a room with an old lady threatening to kill people around her you can probably guessed i didn't sleep that night i hadn't been there in nearly two years it had changed some old faces some new i had a new Dr as my one doesn't work in the hospital many more decided i like him as there was three Dr's that wanted me in there for a week to have a case manager and to be on meds but this doctor said no to all of it and sent me home i was happy to be sent home i basically ran out the door but then the nightmare just began my family were furious with me saying crap like do i just take enough to end up in there and do i like it what are they trying to say do they want me to try harder at it i knew what i took wouldn't do much but i was having a lot of problems that i hadn't had to deal with before like my sight was going in and out and i was shaking so much then by the time the ambos came it was OK but i was just really drowsy i hated it and the worst part is that someone told my boss exactly what happened so when i went to work on Thursday he pulled me outside and told me that he doesn't know what is going on in my private life but doesn't want to get that phone call again he says if work is a problem tell him and he will try and help he was really nice about it but he didn't need to know they had no right to tell him now if it happens again what will he think then what is going to happen i just don't understand now the only place i felt normal is now taken away from me ripped from my hands and i don't know what to do but he hasn't said anything to me again about it so lets keep it that way but now he knows I'm a freak and now i have to try harder to control myself but I'm so exhausted and this is just going to make me more exhausted i also have to see Dr v on Wednesday this is not going to be a good week I'm so scared of seeing her i am so ashamed and don't know how she is going to react i know i could of tried harder i know that she is going to be disappointed maybe i should cancel but then its just prolonging the pain so i better see her well tonight and this weekend i am going to work on not hurting myself lets see how i go.......
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
still on
hey people
well today was my day of maybe for not much longer thinking of working half days on wednesday but today i saw dr v and spoke to her told her i thought i could use some meds to help me but she doesnt agree as my past isn't my friend she said according to my past i dont take them at all or i dont take them long enough or i dont take them properly she said she is not against the idea but she thinks i do better without them at least she thinks that well she hasnt kicked me out yet either in fact she didnt mention it at all and wants to see me in two weeks instead of four which is good i really need her help she also insisted that i call k if i need to and that i dont need to be ashamed and that its normal for me not to be able to handle everything on my own yet that one day i will but yeah i just need some help sometimes but im still too ashamed and i need to get out of that thought as i cant keep living like this its too hard and another thing i have started drawing not nice pictures but it keeps my mind and hands busy its good im really enjoying it i am thinking of doing some classes i hope i dont get too scared when i go i would really like to learn to draw better more like properly lol well i better go might go back to bed feling tired even though its quarter to four in the afternoon oh well got work in the morning yeah so good can you just feel the sarcasim lol
well today was my day of maybe for not much longer thinking of working half days on wednesday but today i saw dr v and spoke to her told her i thought i could use some meds to help me but she doesnt agree as my past isn't my friend she said according to my past i dont take them at all or i dont take them long enough or i dont take them properly she said she is not against the idea but she thinks i do better without them at least she thinks that well she hasnt kicked me out yet either in fact she didnt mention it at all and wants to see me in two weeks instead of four which is good i really need her help she also insisted that i call k if i need to and that i dont need to be ashamed and that its normal for me not to be able to handle everything on my own yet that one day i will but yeah i just need some help sometimes but im still too ashamed and i need to get out of that thought as i cant keep living like this its too hard and another thing i have started drawing not nice pictures but it keeps my mind and hands busy its good im really enjoying it i am thinking of doing some classes i hope i dont get too scared when i go i would really like to learn to draw better more like properly lol well i better go might go back to bed feling tired even though its quarter to four in the afternoon oh well got work in the morning yeah so good can you just feel the sarcasim lol
Saturday, April 17, 2010
just a poem
Your body held me as I wept
It's fingers kissed me as I slept
Now slowly breathing breath by breath,
I'm holding you and fighting death,
A toddling child on my first step.
A river flowing onward winds, Still growing from that younger time-
Your woman's eyes they seek and find,
Bring forth the tears I leave behind,
The years I bury in my mind
The naked soul cries unsuppressed,
Now weather-beaten and undressed,
My head pressed closely to your breast,
And sheltered by your warm caress,
Exhausted child securely rests.
It's fingers kissed me as I slept
Now slowly breathing breath by breath,
I'm holding you and fighting death,
A toddling child on my first step.
A river flowing onward winds, Still growing from that younger time-
Your woman's eyes they seek and find,
Bring forth the tears I leave behind,
The years I bury in my mind
The naked soul cries unsuppressed,
Now weather-beaten and undressed,
My head pressed closely to your breast,
And sheltered by your warm caress,
Exhausted child securely rests.
dont know
hey people
well its been a tough week for me with my neighbour touching me non stop and thinking about my brother and work and haveing my two good friends both in hospital with self inflicted burns they both needed graghs which is painful i feel so sad about it as i hate seeing people that i care about in so much pain and sadness i wish that it was me and not them but its not its them and yeah well one is home now and the other is comming home on monday hopefully if her donner spot has healed alittle better i hope it has i know that being stuck in a bed is not fun and she has been there for nearly a week that would do my head in so i hope she is dealing with it ok i have been struggerling so much lately i just dont know what to do i am fighting the urge but not sure for how much longer but i will keep on trying and to keep on dealling with everything tho this headach is getting to me i cant take anything for one reason it could upset my stomach and give me more pain and the other reason i dont want to take too much but it would give me a good rest oh well going to have some lunch
well its been a tough week for me with my neighbour touching me non stop and thinking about my brother and work and haveing my two good friends both in hospital with self inflicted burns they both needed graghs which is painful i feel so sad about it as i hate seeing people that i care about in so much pain and sadness i wish that it was me and not them but its not its them and yeah well one is home now and the other is comming home on monday hopefully if her donner spot has healed alittle better i hope it has i know that being stuck in a bed is not fun and she has been there for nearly a week that would do my head in so i hope she is dealing with it ok i have been struggerling so much lately i just dont know what to do i am fighting the urge but not sure for how much longer but i will keep on trying and to keep on dealling with everything tho this headach is getting to me i cant take anything for one reason it could upset my stomach and give me more pain and the other reason i dont want to take too much but it would give me a good rest oh well going to have some lunch
Sunday, April 11, 2010
what a rush
hey people
well this weekend was very eventfull first i saw my family that was nice but tough wish that they wouldnt bag out my brother so much cause no matter what they say i will always have my own ideas on why he doesnt seem to want me around they say he is being selfish and stuff i just think he dosent want to be hurt by me thats all but i got to play soccor with the youngest it was fun she is very good at it takes after her sister in that i suppose i love them all to bits but i still need my brother but just cant have him he has his own life to live and i dont know what i have i wouldnt call it a life at the moment also i went to the hospital for a friend and watched her get a drip in ended up fainting lol feel so bad about it but oh well then the stupid nurse gave me a pill which enduced my stomach pain full on so i had to tell them about the bulimia it sucked as i hadnt done it in as week but the doctor writes this letter saying i did it yesterday what ever so much for trying not to do it and for what just to be told im a liar it sucks as if im handing that letter to my doctor well yeah that was my weekend but with all of that happening i still feel empty and alone and i dont understand why i have such amazing friends but my mood just seems to be getting lower and lower at the moment it great when i am around them but i feel so bad if i am not completly there they say its ok but its not i need to focus especially when i am driveing lately as well but its getting so hard lately i am loseing spaces of time and not remembering what i am doing or what i have done i hate this feeling i need to focus and try harder to get better or i am just going to kep sliding down hill and then keep hurting everyone around me it sucks and i just want to be normal but that is too far out of reach for me to ever have or to ever be stable
well this weekend was very eventfull first i saw my family that was nice but tough wish that they wouldnt bag out my brother so much cause no matter what they say i will always have my own ideas on why he doesnt seem to want me around they say he is being selfish and stuff i just think he dosent want to be hurt by me thats all but i got to play soccor with the youngest it was fun she is very good at it takes after her sister in that i suppose i love them all to bits but i still need my brother but just cant have him he has his own life to live and i dont know what i have i wouldnt call it a life at the moment also i went to the hospital for a friend and watched her get a drip in ended up fainting lol feel so bad about it but oh well then the stupid nurse gave me a pill which enduced my stomach pain full on so i had to tell them about the bulimia it sucked as i hadnt done it in as week but the doctor writes this letter saying i did it yesterday what ever so much for trying not to do it and for what just to be told im a liar it sucks as if im handing that letter to my doctor well yeah that was my weekend but with all of that happening i still feel empty and alone and i dont understand why i have such amazing friends but my mood just seems to be getting lower and lower at the moment it great when i am around them but i feel so bad if i am not completly there they say its ok but its not i need to focus especially when i am driveing lately as well but its getting so hard lately i am loseing spaces of time and not remembering what i am doing or what i have done i hate this feeling i need to focus and try harder to get better or i am just going to kep sliding down hill and then keep hurting everyone around me it sucks and i just want to be normal but that is too far out of reach for me to ever have or to ever be stable
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Just in my head
The nights grow so cold I lay here crying they won't stop and there is no one that can make them I drive to a far off place where I grow tired and then rest I sleep under the stars in the dark of the night away from the fear away from the fight it's safe here though I still feel afraid I am safe at least for now I sleep it's cold so cold and yet I sleep I wake in the morning in the sight of the lake in the sight of you the water is glisoning under the morning sun it us still cold I look out towards the specks on the water top and think of you think of how I wrote to you and burned it here so that you may read it I come here often and now this is where I sleep this is my sanctuary from the darkness if the four walls that surrounded me I watch the ducks swim on by thinking that they will be gone soon gone for the winter to somewhere new I think how great that would be just to pick up and leave when ever I want to escape it's getting warmer now as the day breaks the sun is up the sky is blue what a day this will be.
dying
hey people
well today was the first day back at work since the Easter break four day weekend was nice and my friend kept me so busy over that weekend was a good thing too as i don't think i could of seen it through i have been struggling so badly today at work i kept looking at the Stanly knives praying for the courage just to do it but i will never hurt myself at work and i know this but i wanted to so badly then i went to the gym sat outside and couldn't move out the door so i decided to give in and head to the park where i sat up in a tree hopping that i would just fall out while thinking why am i still here what is the purpose of me being everyone of my family is gone and the people that said that they were there for me are gone as well and i don't understand why all that i have worked so hard for has left me anyway and so I'm drowning, drowning in my own tears and thoughts hopping that the end is near i want so badly to tell them that i am not doing well but then it will just make things worse they will say that I'm doing this for attention reaching out wanting help yes it is attention but its to help me survive which i don't see happening for much longer i stare at the pills just staring and staring wondering how long would it take to work and wounder how long it would take before anyone noticed more then two days i know that but i want to keep fighting but i am losing all the strength to do so i have amazing friends to help me but it just might not be enough i have made a commitment to try and be OK at least until tomorrow is over then i don't know i thought of ringing my DR tomorrow and asking if she could put me on something to help me but i don't really want her to know how badly i am copping at the moment why should she know anyway i bet i will be closed off soon then she wont have to deal with me anyway but i just don't know what to do i want to fight but i don't and i don't really see a reason to keep fighting all i am is a burden to society and to those around me its clear as day that is fact everyone has left now that i am considered OK or out of treatment or whatever i just wished that they stayed just for a little longer until i got myself steady finishing therapy was hard and i thought that i would have support from the people around me my therapist made me do a safety plan and exiting plan which is the same thing by the way it had use skills first then go out then call guardian then call a friend then call Dr then ed but how can i follow that when the first lot are just to busy to talk to me i am wasting away inside there is nothing left and soon it will show how bad its getting and i must hide it at all costs otherwise it will just be really really bad the mask i put across my face the chains that wrap around my hands and feet must remain there until eternity so that i can not hurt anyone else i care so much about them and all i am doing is hurting them and i am so sick of it the next attempt on my life may just be the end but i will continue to fight it for as long as i can.
well today was the first day back at work since the Easter break four day weekend was nice and my friend kept me so busy over that weekend was a good thing too as i don't think i could of seen it through i have been struggling so badly today at work i kept looking at the Stanly knives praying for the courage just to do it but i will never hurt myself at work and i know this but i wanted to so badly then i went to the gym sat outside and couldn't move out the door so i decided to give in and head to the park where i sat up in a tree hopping that i would just fall out while thinking why am i still here what is the purpose of me being everyone of my family is gone and the people that said that they were there for me are gone as well and i don't understand why all that i have worked so hard for has left me anyway and so I'm drowning, drowning in my own tears and thoughts hopping that the end is near i want so badly to tell them that i am not doing well but then it will just make things worse they will say that I'm doing this for attention reaching out wanting help yes it is attention but its to help me survive which i don't see happening for much longer i stare at the pills just staring and staring wondering how long would it take to work and wounder how long it would take before anyone noticed more then two days i know that but i want to keep fighting but i am losing all the strength to do so i have amazing friends to help me but it just might not be enough i have made a commitment to try and be OK at least until tomorrow is over then i don't know i thought of ringing my DR tomorrow and asking if she could put me on something to help me but i don't really want her to know how badly i am copping at the moment why should she know anyway i bet i will be closed off soon then she wont have to deal with me anyway but i just don't know what to do i want to fight but i don't and i don't really see a reason to keep fighting all i am is a burden to society and to those around me its clear as day that is fact everyone has left now that i am considered OK or out of treatment or whatever i just wished that they stayed just for a little longer until i got myself steady finishing therapy was hard and i thought that i would have support from the people around me my therapist made me do a safety plan and exiting plan which is the same thing by the way it had use skills first then go out then call guardian then call a friend then call Dr then ed but how can i follow that when the first lot are just to busy to talk to me i am wasting away inside there is nothing left and soon it will show how bad its getting and i must hide it at all costs otherwise it will just be really really bad the mask i put across my face the chains that wrap around my hands and feet must remain there until eternity so that i can not hurt anyone else i care so much about them and all i am doing is hurting them and i am so sick of it the next attempt on my life may just be the end but i will continue to fight it for as long as i can.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
feelings
hey people
well this past week has been such a struggle with an OD last weekend i have kept busy all of this weekend though i am tired i am struggling to find meaning in my life at the moment with DBT over with i am struggling to deal with my emotions especially when it appears that my family have just left me i feel so alone and afraid i have great friends that i am hanging out with but its not the same as having family even if i could just talk to them i think it would make me feel better but it doesn't seem that they want anything to do with me i have sent them texts saying hi for about a month now and no reply to any of them i have decided to stop sending texts it is getting to hard to deal with what feels like constant rejection i just cant handle it i hate feeling hated all of the time maybe I'm being too tough on them expecting too much i don't know i pretend that I'm fine in order to see if they want to talk to me but its just not working and i don't know how much longer i can keep it up i am so exhausted i have had little sleep and am just physically and emotionally drained and just want to go and hid i have done very little SH it depends if you count punching walls if you don't then i have done no SH but its getting harder and harder to cope with out doing something and since DBT has stopped me from SH then there is only one other outlet i guess but i am trying so hard not to do it but i will keep on fighting just hope that i don't lose the strength to fight as i feel i am about too its so hard well tomorrow i am going to go shopping with a friend should be OK i will most likely be crap for company but i will try and be good anyway well g2g update again soon
well this past week has been such a struggle with an OD last weekend i have kept busy all of this weekend though i am tired i am struggling to find meaning in my life at the moment with DBT over with i am struggling to deal with my emotions especially when it appears that my family have just left me i feel so alone and afraid i have great friends that i am hanging out with but its not the same as having family even if i could just talk to them i think it would make me feel better but it doesn't seem that they want anything to do with me i have sent them texts saying hi for about a month now and no reply to any of them i have decided to stop sending texts it is getting to hard to deal with what feels like constant rejection i just cant handle it i hate feeling hated all of the time maybe I'm being too tough on them expecting too much i don't know i pretend that I'm fine in order to see if they want to talk to me but its just not working and i don't know how much longer i can keep it up i am so exhausted i have had little sleep and am just physically and emotionally drained and just want to go and hid i have done very little SH it depends if you count punching walls if you don't then i have done no SH but its getting harder and harder to cope with out doing something and since DBT has stopped me from SH then there is only one other outlet i guess but i am trying so hard not to do it but i will keep on fighting just hope that i don't lose the strength to fight as i feel i am about too its so hard well tomorrow i am going to go shopping with a friend should be OK i will most likely be crap for company but i will try and be good anyway well g2g update again soon
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Lost and Afraid
hey people
well sorry its been awhile since last post been so messed up still am but need to vent i guess so yeah well as you know i am 21 now and been that for two weeks now nothing special just a year older but a year that i though i would never see and now that I'm finally 21 I'm like well so what nothing has changed i get a pay rise but then also my rent apparently goes up so yeah what a big happy birthday to me......... well also i have been struggling so much with my head i just wished it would just shut up so i can breath and be normal bu like that will ever happen well i tried to make it shut up on the weekend but my stupid neighbours didn't make passing out very easy with all of their loud music and stuff but yeah and then i was in so much pain i forgot what pain killers can do to you when you miss use them but oh well i deserved it and as i thought no one called or anything as usual i feel so alone and I'm so sick of being afraid my neighbour has thing of touching me at the moment and no matter what i try to do to avoid him it doesn't work i have no control over my life i know i do but it feels like what ever i do is pointless and does nothing i have been looking for some where else to live but its so expensive it sucks and i don't really want to live with someone else not like the way i am it would just be so hard on the person that I'm living with i need to be isolated that is the best thing for everyone around me and that way i wont be watched and judged all of the time as well I'm so screwed up in the head i wanted to go to the park tonight but cant be bothered but i cant do anything at the moment anyway told a friend that i would take her into the city on Friday so i just have to last till then lets hope that i can do it then i have a four day weekend great as if two days weren't hard enough now i have four it will be a struggle but this is life right it sucks but cant be bothered to do anything about it right now to fix it I'm doing the dbt skills but am struggling finding a reason to keep fighting its getting to be so hard and i am running out of energy to keep fighting the demons in my head i just have to hold on for a little longer well I'm tired so good night
well sorry its been awhile since last post been so messed up still am but need to vent i guess so yeah well as you know i am 21 now and been that for two weeks now nothing special just a year older but a year that i though i would never see and now that I'm finally 21 I'm like well so what nothing has changed i get a pay rise but then also my rent apparently goes up so yeah what a big happy birthday to me......... well also i have been struggling so much with my head i just wished it would just shut up so i can breath and be normal bu like that will ever happen well i tried to make it shut up on the weekend but my stupid neighbours didn't make passing out very easy with all of their loud music and stuff but yeah and then i was in so much pain i forgot what pain killers can do to you when you miss use them but oh well i deserved it and as i thought no one called or anything as usual i feel so alone and I'm so sick of being afraid my neighbour has thing of touching me at the moment and no matter what i try to do to avoid him it doesn't work i have no control over my life i know i do but it feels like what ever i do is pointless and does nothing i have been looking for some where else to live but its so expensive it sucks and i don't really want to live with someone else not like the way i am it would just be so hard on the person that I'm living with i need to be isolated that is the best thing for everyone around me and that way i wont be watched and judged all of the time as well I'm so screwed up in the head i wanted to go to the park tonight but cant be bothered but i cant do anything at the moment anyway told a friend that i would take her into the city on Friday so i just have to last till then lets hope that i can do it then i have a four day weekend great as if two days weren't hard enough now i have four it will be a struggle but this is life right it sucks but cant be bothered to do anything about it right now to fix it I'm doing the dbt skills but am struggling finding a reason to keep fighting its getting to be so hard and i am running out of energy to keep fighting the demons in my head i just have to hold on for a little longer well I'm tired so good night
Thursday, March 18, 2010
the day after
hey people
well today was a very interesting day after such a big night i called ED and spoke to my old group consultant which was good and then i went to work for about two hours was not handling so i went home met up with my brother and hung out with him felt better and then i got me a dog well he is more of a puppy his name is MILO he is so cute and he is a cavalier king Charles spaniel he is so cute and very smart way smarter then me lol i love him already my cat on the other hand begs to differ but its so nice to have a dog well that's about it tonight short and sweet =)
well today was a very interesting day after such a big night i called ED and spoke to my old group consultant which was good and then i went to work for about two hours was not handling so i went home met up with my brother and hung out with him felt better and then i got me a dog well he is more of a puppy his name is MILO he is so cute and he is a cavalier king Charles spaniel he is so cute and very smart way smarter then me lol i love him already my cat on the other hand begs to differ but its so nice to have a dog well that's about it tonight short and sweet =)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Big Day
hey people
well today was my 21st birthday and i went to the pound and rspca looking at dogs so cute went with a really good friend was really nice i then went to Garbo and spent sometime there then went and picked up another friend and we went bowling lots of fun they are such good friends that i really don't deserve but some how am blessed with i am so lucky they gave me such awesome pressies a 20 dollar gift card for itunes and a cross necklace how awesome are they but by the end of the night i was feeling really upset as i just really wanted to see my brother which seems didn't want to see me i finally got a hold of him and he says he will see me tomorrow but you know what i am sick of getting my hopes up i already want to hurt myself and so i don't want to make it any worse for myself i need to remember that he does love me and wants to be around me its just being apart is his way of showing it i also spoke to by adopted family they are really sick with the flu not good but it was nice to talk to them got in trouble though for how loud i play my music in the car but that's how i stay focused i need to hear something else apart from my head you know but oh well told them i will turn it down so yeah but on the way home i was just crying how weak is that not even completely sure as to why i was crying as i have had a good day but i was and now i cant stop i need to focus i need not to hurt myself but i feel as if i need to so badly so i hope i can just relax tonight i need to for the sake of seeing my brother at least on Saturday i miss him so much but there is nothing i can do about it i have used my dear man skills on him so much that its lost meaning at the moment you know when you try so hard and they say yes which is great but then cancel and it rips out your heart and soul and they tread on it that's how i have felt everyday for weeks lately man i wish i could just stop crying i should just go to bed and hide away for the night until the morning for when i have to go to work which i am not looking forward to but it pays the bills and the stuff that i have well i think that i will just go watch criminal minds and cuddle up to my cat
well today was my 21st birthday and i went to the pound and rspca looking at dogs so cute went with a really good friend was really nice i then went to Garbo and spent sometime there then went and picked up another friend and we went bowling lots of fun they are such good friends that i really don't deserve but some how am blessed with i am so lucky they gave me such awesome pressies a 20 dollar gift card for itunes and a cross necklace how awesome are they but by the end of the night i was feeling really upset as i just really wanted to see my brother which seems didn't want to see me i finally got a hold of him and he says he will see me tomorrow but you know what i am sick of getting my hopes up i already want to hurt myself and so i don't want to make it any worse for myself i need to remember that he does love me and wants to be around me its just being apart is his way of showing it i also spoke to by adopted family they are really sick with the flu not good but it was nice to talk to them got in trouble though for how loud i play my music in the car but that's how i stay focused i need to hear something else apart from my head you know but oh well told them i will turn it down so yeah but on the way home i was just crying how weak is that not even completely sure as to why i was crying as i have had a good day but i was and now i cant stop i need to focus i need not to hurt myself but i feel as if i need to so badly so i hope i can just relax tonight i need to for the sake of seeing my brother at least on Saturday i miss him so much but there is nothing i can do about it i have used my dear man skills on him so much that its lost meaning at the moment you know when you try so hard and they say yes which is great but then cancel and it rips out your heart and soul and they tread on it that's how i have felt everyday for weeks lately man i wish i could just stop crying i should just go to bed and hide away for the night until the morning for when i have to go to work which i am not looking forward to but it pays the bills and the stuff that i have well i think that i will just go watch criminal minds and cuddle up to my cat
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
night before the big day
hey people
well today is the day before i turn 21 yippee right well yeah i guess i got to see my brother tonight which i don't know is a good thing i guess i have missed him so much but i don't know whats worse seeing him and being ignored or not seeing him???? i don't know i was looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday but then he canceled i almost cried at work when i got that text all of my hopes and everything shattered in like five seconds he wants to go out with his mates which is fine but i only wish that he would see me i mean it is my birthday as well as his and all i wanted was to spend some quality time with him on that day he is the only family that i feel very close too but i guess it is expecting too much of him to do that for me i think i should just hide away so that I'm no longer a burden on anyone else i feel so empty which cant be true right i just did 12 months of therapy to tell me that no matter what i feel i can never be feeling empty so i guess its sad disappointed and probably a little angry as well but at what I'm not sure the fact that my twin brother doesn't want me around or the fact that no matter how much i try i cant seem to let go of him i want to be independent i do and i am but it has come as a hefty cost the loss of my family you see if i were to die no one would know for at least a week give or take a couple of days maybe longer i just call up work and say I'm sick and that would be it you know not that I'm thinking of doing it anytime soon but it would just be that easy you know but yeah i just wished that i could just think and act normal for once in my life but then who would i be wait i don't even know who i am at the moment anyway stupid hey but i am trying so hard to become somebody i like but i don't see that person yet i don't really even know exactly what it will look like all i know at the moment is that I'm not there yet i am so far off it maybe i am setting up an unrealistic goal i don't know i don't know a lot of things lately all i do know for sure is that tomorrow i am going to try and be happy as much as i possibly can i am going bowling with some good friends and going to the gym and hopefully seeing my brother again and hopefully he will take his present tried to give it to him tonight thinking he didn't want to see me tomorrow but he said he didn't want it until tomorrow so that's a good sign right i hope so well i am going to go surf the net now try and cheer myself up
well today is the day before i turn 21 yippee right well yeah i guess i got to see my brother tonight which i don't know is a good thing i guess i have missed him so much but i don't know whats worse seeing him and being ignored or not seeing him???? i don't know i was looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday but then he canceled i almost cried at work when i got that text all of my hopes and everything shattered in like five seconds he wants to go out with his mates which is fine but i only wish that he would see me i mean it is my birthday as well as his and all i wanted was to spend some quality time with him on that day he is the only family that i feel very close too but i guess it is expecting too much of him to do that for me i think i should just hide away so that I'm no longer a burden on anyone else i feel so empty which cant be true right i just did 12 months of therapy to tell me that no matter what i feel i can never be feeling empty so i guess its sad disappointed and probably a little angry as well but at what I'm not sure the fact that my twin brother doesn't want me around or the fact that no matter how much i try i cant seem to let go of him i want to be independent i do and i am but it has come as a hefty cost the loss of my family you see if i were to die no one would know for at least a week give or take a couple of days maybe longer i just call up work and say I'm sick and that would be it you know not that I'm thinking of doing it anytime soon but it would just be that easy you know but yeah i just wished that i could just think and act normal for once in my life but then who would i be wait i don't even know who i am at the moment anyway stupid hey but i am trying so hard to become somebody i like but i don't see that person yet i don't really even know exactly what it will look like all i know at the moment is that I'm not there yet i am so far off it maybe i am setting up an unrealistic goal i don't know i don't know a lot of things lately all i do know for sure is that tomorrow i am going to try and be happy as much as i possibly can i am going bowling with some good friends and going to the gym and hopefully seeing my brother again and hopefully he will take his present tried to give it to him tonight thinking he didn't want to see me tomorrow but he said he didn't want it until tomorrow so that's a good sign right i hope so well i am going to go surf the net now try and cheer myself up
Monday, March 15, 2010
hey people
well today is Monday which means for the most of us we had to go back to work, today was an OK day was very energized through out the day i think it was from all of that junk food i ate on Sunday man i was a pig oh well went to the gym today after work i love going there but had to cut my session short by an hour and a half was feeling a little light headed after half an hour oh well feeling better now spent an hour in the workout room then spent fifteen minutes in the steam room so nice in there need to teach my body to behave should of just pushed past it but oh well needed to go shopping after so yeah i only spent 86 dollars this fortnight cut my shopping by about 40 dollars that's good more money to spend on my birthday which reminds me i still have to get my brother is birthday present decided that I'm going to get him a digital TV set top box i hope he likes it i know he likes watching TV so this gives him some more channels to choose from =) i love him so much i think i might call him soon see what he is doing on his birthday see if he wants to do something with me it would be great if he did i miss him so much haven't sen him since Australia day we have spoken but its like a five minute chat where he calls see if i can give him something then he hangs up but when i call lately he is too busy to talk to me so i have given up calling lately but i really want to spend some time with him i feel as if he doesn't want to know me but i might ask him one day when i can handle the out come which might be never lol dreams,dreams,dreams they are just wishful thinking oh well i think i might just go to bed now feeling very tired and i have work in the morning as well and i am thinking of going to the gym as well before work should be a good day hopefully well goodnight
well today is Monday which means for the most of us we had to go back to work, today was an OK day was very energized through out the day i think it was from all of that junk food i ate on Sunday man i was a pig oh well went to the gym today after work i love going there but had to cut my session short by an hour and a half was feeling a little light headed after half an hour oh well feeling better now spent an hour in the workout room then spent fifteen minutes in the steam room so nice in there need to teach my body to behave should of just pushed past it but oh well needed to go shopping after so yeah i only spent 86 dollars this fortnight cut my shopping by about 40 dollars that's good more money to spend on my birthday which reminds me i still have to get my brother is birthday present decided that I'm going to get him a digital TV set top box i hope he likes it i know he likes watching TV so this gives him some more channels to choose from =) i love him so much i think i might call him soon see what he is doing on his birthday see if he wants to do something with me it would be great if he did i miss him so much haven't sen him since Australia day we have spoken but its like a five minute chat where he calls see if i can give him something then he hangs up but when i call lately he is too busy to talk to me so i have given up calling lately but i really want to spend some time with him i feel as if he doesn't want to know me but i might ask him one day when i can handle the out come which might be never lol dreams,dreams,dreams they are just wishful thinking oh well i think i might just go to bed now feeling very tired and i have work in the morning as well and i am thinking of going to the gym as well before work should be a good day hopefully well goodnight
Sunday, March 14, 2010
a long day
hey people
well today was a good day went down to surfers and mt tambourine lots of fun with a couple of great friends it was a long day for me though it was good had a lot of trouble with both thoughts and being in a lot of pain it sucks but i have no one but myself to blame i wish there was someone else to blame would make life a lot nicer if we could just blame someone else for all of our problems but then how do we become responsible for ourselves i don't know its too hard life is hard but its life i don't remember ever being told that life was meant to be easy or fair another of my wish full thinking's i think but yeah i have been thinking so much about DBT and the skills that they taught me but its so hard not to do them but think of reasons why i should i feel so alone i live on my own i work pretty much on my own i miss my brother like crazy and i cant really talk to many people about what is going on i have been struggling with the thoughts to hurt myself and its getting to the point where i don't know how much longer i can keep putting it off all i know is that i have to hold off doing anything at least until after Saturday because it wouldn't be fair to ruin my brothers birthday so that is the only thing that i am thinking about at the moment and after that i don't know time can only tell hopefully i can cope don't know see what happens i wonder how much i can take i feel emotionally and physically drained I'm tired and in pain kinda over it but yeah....... OK i think this is enough winging for one night don't you think =) i think i might just go watch bones and house now
signed girl searching
well today was a good day went down to surfers and mt tambourine lots of fun with a couple of great friends it was a long day for me though it was good had a lot of trouble with both thoughts and being in a lot of pain it sucks but i have no one but myself to blame i wish there was someone else to blame would make life a lot nicer if we could just blame someone else for all of our problems but then how do we become responsible for ourselves i don't know its too hard life is hard but its life i don't remember ever being told that life was meant to be easy or fair another of my wish full thinking's i think but yeah i have been thinking so much about DBT and the skills that they taught me but its so hard not to do them but think of reasons why i should i feel so alone i live on my own i work pretty much on my own i miss my brother like crazy and i cant really talk to many people about what is going on i have been struggling with the thoughts to hurt myself and its getting to the point where i don't know how much longer i can keep putting it off all i know is that i have to hold off doing anything at least until after Saturday because it wouldn't be fair to ruin my brothers birthday so that is the only thing that i am thinking about at the moment and after that i don't know time can only tell hopefully i can cope don't know see what happens i wonder how much i can take i feel emotionally and physically drained I'm tired and in pain kinda over it but yeah....... OK i think this is enough winging for one night don't you think =) i think i might just go watch bones and house now
signed girl searching
Saturday, March 13, 2010
step one
hey there this is about me and my journey through life the highs the lows the hard times and the good times life is full of them and it can be overwhelming and it can be fun at times my life is full of it but mostly i struggle i struggle with the fact that i am nearly 21 in about three days and i fell like i have not achieved anything in my life i have a great twin brother which i adore he doesn't seem to feel the same way though i have a older sister that doesn't like me and an older brother that doesn't seem to want to talk to me though i love them all very much i lost my mother two years ago through suicide i miss her so very much i have struggled with these ideas myself hence the hard times i have just completed a 1 year therapy class called DBT it was so hard and now i am left on my own but I'm doing OK at least i am trying to be its hard but it will be worth it one day.
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