what a week

this week has been such an effort i overdosed twice last weekend ending myself in ward 2b for a night managed to convince them that it was best if i went home i knew it wasn't but i didn't want to be there either being in that place scares me and i was thrown in a room with an old lady threatening to kill people around her you can probably guessed i didn't sleep that night i hadn't been there in nearly two years it had changed some old faces some new i had a new Dr as my one doesn't work in the hospital many more decided i like him as there was three Dr's that wanted me in there for a week to have a case manager and to be on meds but this doctor said no to all of it and sent me home i was happy to be sent home i basically ran out the door but then the nightmare just began my family were furious with me saying crap like do i just take enough to end up in there and do i like it what are they trying to say do they want me to try harder at it i knew what i took wouldn't do much but i was having a lot of problems that i hadn't had to deal with before like my sight was going in and out and i was shaking so much then by the time the ambos came it was OK but i was just really drowsy i hated it and the worst part is that someone told my boss exactly what happened so when i went to work on Thursday he pulled me outside and told me that he doesn't know what is going on in my private life but doesn't want to get that phone call again he says if work is a problem tell him and he will try and help he was really nice about it but he didn't need to know they had no right to tell him now if it happens again what will he think then what is going to happen i just don't understand now the only place i felt normal is now taken away from me ripped from my hands and i don't know what to do but he hasn't said anything to me again about it so lets keep it that way but now he knows I'm a freak and now i have to try harder to control myself but I'm so exhausted and this is just going to make me more exhausted i also have to see Dr v on Wednesday this is not going to be a good week I'm so scared of seeing her i am so ashamed and don't know how she is going to react i know i could of tried harder i know that she is going to be disappointed maybe i should cancel but then its just prolonging the pain so i better see her well tonight and this weekend i am going to work on not hurting myself lets see how i go.......