Lost and Afraid

hey people

well sorry its been awhile since last post been so messed up still am but need to vent i guess so yeah well as you know i am 21 now and been that for two weeks now nothing special just a year older but a year that i though i would never see and now that I'm finally 21 I'm like well so what nothing has changed i get a pay rise but then also my rent apparently goes up so yeah what a big happy birthday to me......... well also i have been struggling so much with my head i just wished it would just shut up so i can breath and be normal bu like that will ever happen well i tried to make it shut up on the weekend but my stupid neighbours didn't make passing out very easy with all of their loud music and stuff but yeah and then i was in so much pain i forgot what pain killers can do to you when you miss use them but oh well i deserved it and as i thought no one called or anything as usual i feel so alone and I'm so sick of being afraid my neighbour has thing of touching me at the moment and no matter what i try to do to avoid him it doesn't work i have no control over my life i know i do but it feels like what ever i do is pointless and does nothing i have been looking for some where else to live but its so expensive it sucks and i don't really want to live with someone else not like the way i am it would just be so hard on the person that I'm living with i need to be isolated that is the best thing for everyone around me and that way i wont be watched and judged all of the time as well I'm so screwed up in the head i wanted to go to the park tonight but cant be bothered but i cant do anything at the moment anyway told a friend that i would take her into the city on Friday so i just have to last till then lets hope that i can do it then i have a four day weekend great as if two days weren't hard enough now i have four it will be a struggle but this is life right it sucks but cant be bothered to do anything about it right now to fix it I'm doing the dbt skills but am struggling finding a reason to keep fighting its getting to be so hard and i am running out of energy to keep fighting the demons in my head i just have to hold on for a little longer well I'm tired so good night