Lost and Afraid

hey people

well sorry its been awhile since last post been so messed up still am but need to vent i guess so yeah well as you know i am 21 now and been that for two weeks now nothing special just a year older but a year that i though i would never see and now that I'm finally 21 I'm like well so what nothing has changed i get a pay rise but then also my rent apparently goes up so yeah what a big happy birthday to me......... well also i have been struggling so much with my head i just wished it would just shut up so i can breath and be normal bu like that will ever happen well i tried to make it shut up on the weekend but my stupid neighbours didn't make passing out very easy with all of their loud music and stuff but yeah and then i was in so much pain i forgot what pain killers can do to you when you miss use them but oh well i deserved it and as i thought no one called or anything as usual i feel so alone and I'm so sick of being afraid my neighbour has thing of touching me at the moment and no matter what i try to do to avoid him it doesn't work i have no control over my life i know i do but it feels like what ever i do is pointless and does nothing i have been looking for some where else to live but its so expensive it sucks and i don't really want to live with someone else not like the way i am it would just be so hard on the person that I'm living with i need to be isolated that is the best thing for everyone around me and that way i wont be watched and judged all of the time as well I'm so screwed up in the head i wanted to go to the park tonight but cant be bothered but i cant do anything at the moment anyway told a friend that i would take her into the city on Friday so i just have to last till then lets hope that i can do it then i have a four day weekend great as if two days weren't hard enough now i have four it will be a struggle but this is life right it sucks but cant be bothered to do anything about it right now to fix it I'm doing the dbt skills but am struggling finding a reason to keep fighting its getting to be so hard and i am running out of energy to keep fighting the demons in my head i just have to hold on for a little longer well I'm tired so good night

the day after

hey people

well today was a very interesting day after such a big night i called ED and spoke to my old group consultant which was good and then i went to work for about two hours was not handling so i went home met up with my brother and hung out with him felt better and then i got me a dog well he is more of a puppy his name is MILO he is so cute and he is a cavalier king Charles spaniel he is so cute and very smart way smarter then me lol i love him already my cat on the other hand begs to differ but its so nice to have a dog well that's about it tonight short and sweet =)

The Big Day

hey people

well today was my 21st birthday and i went to the pound and rspca looking at dogs so cute went with a really good friend was really nice i then went to Garbo and spent sometime there then went and picked up another friend and we went bowling lots of fun they are such good friends that i really don't deserve but some how am blessed with i am so lucky they gave me such awesome pressies a 20 dollar gift card for itunes and a cross necklace how awesome are they but by the end of the night i was feeling really upset as i just really wanted to see my brother which seems didn't want to see me i finally got a hold of him and he says he will see me tomorrow but you know what i am sick of getting my hopes up i already want to hurt myself and so i don't want to make it any worse for myself i need to remember that he does love me and wants to be around me its just being apart is his way of showing it i also spoke to by adopted family they are really sick with the flu not good but it was nice to talk to them got in trouble though for how loud i play my music in the car but that's how i stay focused i need to hear something else apart from my head you know but oh well told them i will turn it down so yeah but on the way home i was just crying how weak is that not even completely sure as to why i was crying as i have had a good day but i was and now i cant stop i need to focus i need not to hurt myself but i feel as if i need to so badly so i hope i can just relax tonight i need to for the sake of seeing my brother at least on Saturday i miss him so much but there is nothing i can do about it i have used my dear man skills on him so much that its lost meaning at the moment you know when you try so hard and they say yes which is great but then cancel and it rips out your heart and soul and they tread on it that's how i have felt everyday for weeks lately man i wish i could just stop crying i should just go to bed and hide away for the night until the morning for when i have to go to work which i am not looking forward to but it pays the bills and the stuff that i have well i think that i will just go watch criminal minds and cuddle up to my cat

night before the big day

hey people

well today is the day before i turn 21 yippee right well yeah i guess i got to see my brother tonight which i don't know is a good thing i guess i have missed him so much but i don't know whats worse seeing him and being ignored or not seeing him???? i don't know i was looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday but then he canceled i almost cried at work when i got that text all of my hopes and everything shattered in like five seconds he wants to go out with his mates which is fine but i only wish that he would see me i mean it is my birthday as well as his and all i wanted was to spend some quality time with him on that day he is the only family that i feel very close too but i guess it is expecting too much of him to do that for me i think i should just hide away so that I'm no longer a burden on anyone else i feel so empty which cant be true right i just did 12 months of therapy to tell me that no matter what i feel i can never be feeling empty so i guess its sad disappointed and probably a little angry as well but at what I'm not sure the fact that my twin brother doesn't want me around or the fact that no matter how much i try i cant seem to let go of him i want to be independent i do and i am but it has come as a hefty cost the loss of my family you see if i were to die no one would know for at least a week give or take a couple of days maybe longer i just call up work and say I'm sick and that would be it you know not that I'm thinking of doing it anytime soon but it would just be that easy you know but yeah i just wished that i could just think and act normal for once in my life but then who would i be wait i don't even know who i am at the moment anyway stupid hey but i am trying so hard to become somebody i like but i don't see that person yet i don't really even know exactly what it will look like all i know at the moment is that I'm not there yet i am so far off it maybe i am setting up an unrealistic goal i don't know i don't know a lot of things lately all i do know for sure is that tomorrow i am going to try and be happy as much as i possibly can i am going bowling with some good friends and going to the gym and hopefully seeing my brother again and hopefully he will take his present tried to give it to him tonight thinking he didn't want to see me tomorrow but he said he didn't want it until tomorrow so that's a good sign right i hope so well i am going to go surf the net now try and cheer myself up

hey people

well today is Monday which means for the most of us we had to go back to work, today was an OK day was very energized through out the day i think it was from all of that junk food i ate on Sunday man i was a pig oh well went to the gym today after work i love going there but had to cut my session short by an hour and a half was feeling a little light headed after half an hour oh well feeling better now spent an hour in the workout room then spent fifteen minutes in the steam room so nice in there need to teach my body to behave should of just pushed past it but oh well needed to go shopping after so yeah i only spent 86 dollars this fortnight cut my shopping by about 40 dollars that's good more money to spend on my birthday which reminds me i still have to get my brother is birthday present decided that I'm going to get him a digital TV set top box i hope he likes it i know he likes watching TV so this gives him some more channels to choose from =) i love him so much i think i might call him soon see what he is doing on his birthday see if he wants to do something with me it would be great if he did i miss him so much haven't sen him since Australia day we have spoken but its like a five minute chat where he calls see if i can give him something then he hangs up but when i call lately he is too busy to talk to me so i have given up calling lately but i really want to spend some time with him i feel as if he doesn't want to know me but i might ask him one day when i can handle the out come which might be never lol dreams,dreams,dreams they are just wishful thinking oh well i think i might just go to bed now feeling very tired and i have work in the morning as well and i am thinking of going to the gym as well before work should be a good day hopefully well goodnight

a long day

hey people

well today was a good day went down to surfers and mt tambourine lots of fun with a couple of great friends it was a long day for me though it was good had a lot of trouble with both thoughts and being in a lot of pain it sucks but i have no one but myself to blame i wish there was someone else to blame would make life a lot nicer if we could just blame someone else for all of our problems but then how do we become responsible for ourselves i don't know its too hard life is hard but its life i don't remember ever being told that life was meant to be easy or fair another of my wish full thinking's i think but yeah i have been thinking so much about DBT and the skills that they taught me but its so hard not to do them but think of reasons why i should i feel so alone i live on my own i work pretty much on my own i miss my brother like crazy and i cant really talk to many people about what is going on i have been struggling with the thoughts to hurt myself and its getting to the point where i don't know how much longer i can keep putting it off all i know is that i have to hold off doing anything at least until after Saturday because it wouldn't be fair to ruin my brothers birthday so that is the only thing that i am thinking about at the moment and after that i don't know time can only tell hopefully i can cope don't know see what happens i wonder how much i can take i feel emotionally and physically drained I'm tired and in pain kinda over it but yeah....... OK i think this is enough winging for one night don't you think =) i think i might just go watch bones and house now

signed girl searching

step one

hey there this is about me and my journey through life the highs the lows the hard times and the good times life is full of them and it can be overwhelming and it can be fun at times my life is full of it but mostly i struggle i struggle with the fact that i am nearly 21 in about three days and i fell like i have not achieved anything in my life i have a great twin brother which i adore he doesn't seem to feel the same way though i have a older sister that doesn't like me and an older brother that doesn't seem to want to talk to me though i love them all very much i lost my mother two years ago through suicide i miss her so very much i have struggled with these ideas myself hence the hard times i have just completed a 1 year therapy class called DBT it was so hard and now i am left on my own but I'm doing OK at least i am trying to be its hard but it will be worth it one day.