The Big Day

hey people

well today was my 21st birthday and i went to the pound and rspca looking at dogs so cute went with a really good friend was really nice i then went to Garbo and spent sometime there then went and picked up another friend and we went bowling lots of fun they are such good friends that i really don't deserve but some how am blessed with i am so lucky they gave me such awesome pressies a 20 dollar gift card for itunes and a cross necklace how awesome are they but by the end of the night i was feeling really upset as i just really wanted to see my brother which seems didn't want to see me i finally got a hold of him and he says he will see me tomorrow but you know what i am sick of getting my hopes up i already want to hurt myself and so i don't want to make it any worse for myself i need to remember that he does love me and wants to be around me its just being apart is his way of showing it i also spoke to by adopted family they are really sick with the flu not good but it was nice to talk to them got in trouble though for how loud i play my music in the car but that's how i stay focused i need to hear something else apart from my head you know but oh well told them i will turn it down so yeah but on the way home i was just crying how weak is that not even completely sure as to why i was crying as i have had a good day but i was and now i cant stop i need to focus i need not to hurt myself but i feel as if i need to so badly so i hope i can just relax tonight i need to for the sake of seeing my brother at least on Saturday i miss him so much but there is nothing i can do about it i have used my dear man skills on him so much that its lost meaning at the moment you know when you try so hard and they say yes which is great but then cancel and it rips out your heart and soul and they tread on it that's how i have felt everyday for weeks lately man i wish i could just stop crying i should just go to bed and hide away for the night until the morning for when i have to go to work which i am not looking forward to but it pays the bills and the stuff that i have well i think that i will just go watch criminal minds and cuddle up to my cat