still on

hey people

well today was my day of maybe for not much longer thinking of working half days on wednesday but today i saw dr v and spoke to her told her i thought i could use some meds to help me but she doesnt agree as my past isn't my friend she said according to my past i dont take them at all or i dont take them long enough or i dont take them properly she said she is not against the idea but she thinks i do better without them at least she thinks that well she hasnt kicked me out yet either in fact she didnt mention it at all and wants to see me in two weeks instead of four which is good i really need her help she also insisted that i call k if i need to and that i dont need to be ashamed and that its normal for me not to be able to handle everything on my own yet that one day i will but yeah i just need some help sometimes but im still too ashamed and i need to get out of that thought as i cant keep living like this its too hard and another thing i have started drawing not nice pictures but it keeps my mind and hands busy its good im really enjoying it i am thinking of doing some classes i hope i dont get too scared when i go i would really like to learn to draw better more like properly lol well i better go might go back to bed feling tired even though its quarter to four in the afternoon oh well got work in the morning yeah so good can you just feel the sarcasim lol

just a poem

Your body held me as I wept
It's fingers kissed me as I slept
Now slowly breathing breath by breath,
I'm holding you and fighting death,
A toddling child on my first step.
A river flowing onward winds, Still growing from that younger time-
Your woman's eyes they seek and find,
Bring forth the tears I leave behind,
The years I bury in my mind


The naked soul cries unsuppressed,
Now weather-beaten and undressed,
My head pressed closely to your breast,
And sheltered by your warm caress,
Exhausted child securely rests.

dont know

hey people

well its been a tough week for me with my neighbour touching me non stop and thinking about my brother and work and haveing my two good friends both in hospital with self inflicted burns they both needed graghs which is painful i feel so sad about it as i hate seeing people that i care about in so much pain and sadness i wish that it was me and not them but its not its them and yeah well one is home now and the other is comming home on monday hopefully if her donner spot has healed alittle better i hope it has i know that being stuck in a bed is not fun and she has been there for nearly a week that would do my head in so i hope she is dealing with it ok i have been struggerling so much lately i just dont know what to do i am fighting the urge but not sure for how much longer but i will keep on trying and to keep on dealling with everything tho this headach is getting to me i cant take anything for one reason it could upset my stomach and give me more pain and the other reason i dont want to take too much but it would give me a good rest oh well going to have some lunch

what a rush

hey people

well this weekend was very eventfull first i saw my family that was nice but tough wish that they wouldnt bag out my brother so much cause no matter what they say i will always have my own ideas on why he doesnt seem to want me around they say he is being selfish and stuff i just think he dosent want to be hurt by me thats all but i got to play soccor with the youngest it was fun she is very good at it takes after her sister in that i suppose i love them all to bits but i still need my brother but just cant have him he has his own life to live and i dont know what i have i wouldnt call it a life at the moment also i went to the hospital for a friend and watched her get a drip in ended up fainting lol feel so bad about it but oh well then the stupid nurse gave me a pill which enduced my stomach pain full on so i had to tell them about the bulimia it sucked as i hadnt done it in as week but the doctor writes this letter saying i did it yesterday what ever so much for trying not to do it and for what just to be told im a liar it sucks as if im handing that letter to my doctor well yeah that was my weekend but with all of that happening i still feel empty and alone and i dont understand why i have such amazing friends but my mood just seems to be getting lower and lower at the moment it great when i am around them but i feel so bad if i am not completly there they say its ok but its not i need to focus especially when i am driveing lately as well but its getting so hard lately i am loseing spaces of time and not remembering what i am doing or what i have done i hate this feeling i need to focus and try harder to get better or i am just going to kep sliding down hill and then keep hurting everyone around me it sucks and i just want to be normal but that is too far out of reach for me to ever have or to ever be stable

Just in my head

The nights grow so cold I lay here crying they won't stop and there is no one that can make them I drive to a far off place where I grow tired and then rest I sleep under the stars in the dark of the night away from the fear away from the fight it's safe here though I still feel afraid I am safe at least for now I sleep it's cold so cold and yet I sleep I wake in the morning in the sight of the lake in the sight of you the water is glisoning under the morning sun it us still cold I look out towards the specks on the water top and think of you think of how I wrote to you and burned it here so that you may read it I come here often and now this is where I sleep this is my sanctuary from the darkness if the four walls that surrounded me I watch the ducks swim on by thinking that they will be gone soon gone for the winter to somewhere new I think how great that would be just to pick up and leave when ever I want to escape it's getting warmer now as the day breaks the sun is up the sky is blue what a day this will be.

dying

hey people

well today was the first day back at work since the Easter break four day weekend was nice and my friend kept me so busy over that weekend was a good thing too as i don't think i could of seen it through i have been struggling so badly today at work i kept looking at the Stanly knives praying for the courage just to do it but i will never hurt myself at work and i know this but i wanted to so badly then i went to the gym sat outside and couldn't move out the door so i decided to give in and head to the park where i sat up in a tree hopping that i would just fall out while thinking why am i still here what is the purpose of me being everyone of my family is gone and the people that said that they were there for me are gone as well and i don't understand why all that i have worked so hard for has left me anyway and so I'm drowning, drowning in my own tears and thoughts hopping that the end is near i want so badly to tell them that i am not doing well but then it will just make things worse they will say that I'm doing this for attention reaching out wanting help yes it is attention but its to help me survive which i don't see happening for much longer i stare at the pills just staring and staring wondering how long would it take to work and wounder how long it would take before anyone noticed more then two days i know that but i want to keep fighting but i am losing all the strength to do so i have amazing friends to help me but it just might not be enough i have made a commitment to try and be OK at least until tomorrow is over then i don't know i thought of ringing my DR tomorrow and asking if she could put me on something to help me but i don't really want her to know how badly i am copping at the moment why should she know anyway i bet i will be closed off soon then she wont have to deal with me anyway but i just don't know what to do i want to fight but i don't and i don't really see a reason to keep fighting all i am is a burden to society and to those around me its clear as day that is fact everyone has left now that i am considered OK or out of treatment or whatever i just wished that they stayed just for a little longer until i got myself steady finishing therapy was hard and i thought that i would have support from the people around me my therapist made me do a safety plan and exiting plan which is the same thing by the way it had use skills first then go out then call guardian then call a friend then call Dr then ed but how can i follow that when the first lot are just to busy to talk to me i am wasting away inside there is nothing left and soon it will show how bad its getting and i must hide it at all costs otherwise it will just be really really bad the mask i put across my face the chains that wrap around my hands and feet must remain there until eternity so that i can not hurt anyone else i care so much about them and all i am doing is hurting them and i am so sick of it the next attempt on my life may just be the end but i will continue to fight it for as long as i can.

feelings

hey people

well this past week has been such a struggle with an OD last weekend i have kept busy all of this weekend though i am tired i am struggling to find meaning in my life at the moment with DBT over with i am struggling to deal with my emotions especially when it appears that my family have just left me i feel so alone and afraid i have great friends that i am hanging out with but its not the same as having family even if i could just talk to them i think it would make me feel better but it doesn't seem that they want anything to do with me i have sent them texts saying hi for about a month now and no reply to any of them i have decided to stop sending texts it is getting to hard to deal with what feels like constant rejection i just cant handle it i hate feeling hated all of the time maybe I'm being too tough on them expecting too much i don't know i pretend that I'm fine in order to see if they want to talk to me but its just not working and i don't know how much longer i can keep it up i am so exhausted i have had little sleep and am just physically and emotionally drained and just want to go and hid i have done very little SH it depends if you count punching walls if you don't then i have done no SH but its getting harder and harder to cope with out doing something and since DBT has stopped me from SH then there is only one other outlet i guess but i am trying so hard not to do it but i will keep on fighting just hope that i don't lose the strength to fight as i feel i am about too its so hard well tomorrow i am going to go shopping with a friend should be OK i will most likely be crap for company but i will try and be good anyway well g2g update again soon