dying

hey people

well today was the first day back at work since the Easter break four day weekend was nice and my friend kept me so busy over that weekend was a good thing too as i don't think i could of seen it through i have been struggling so badly today at work i kept looking at the Stanly knives praying for the courage just to do it but i will never hurt myself at work and i know this but i wanted to so badly then i went to the gym sat outside and couldn't move out the door so i decided to give in and head to the park where i sat up in a tree hopping that i would just fall out while thinking why am i still here what is the purpose of me being everyone of my family is gone and the people that said that they were there for me are gone as well and i don't understand why all that i have worked so hard for has left me anyway and so I'm drowning, drowning in my own tears and thoughts hopping that the end is near i want so badly to tell them that i am not doing well but then it will just make things worse they will say that I'm doing this for attention reaching out wanting help yes it is attention but its to help me survive which i don't see happening for much longer i stare at the pills just staring and staring wondering how long would it take to work and wounder how long it would take before anyone noticed more then two days i know that but i want to keep fighting but i am losing all the strength to do so i have amazing friends to help me but it just might not be enough i have made a commitment to try and be OK at least until tomorrow is over then i don't know i thought of ringing my DR tomorrow and asking if she could put me on something to help me but i don't really want her to know how badly i am copping at the moment why should she know anyway i bet i will be closed off soon then she wont have to deal with me anyway but i just don't know what to do i want to fight but i don't and i don't really see a reason to keep fighting all i am is a burden to society and to those around me its clear as day that is fact everyone has left now that i am considered OK or out of treatment or whatever i just wished that they stayed just for a little longer until i got myself steady finishing therapy was hard and i thought that i would have support from the people around me my therapist made me do a safety plan and exiting plan which is the same thing by the way it had use skills first then go out then call guardian then call a friend then call Dr then ed but how can i follow that when the first lot are just to busy to talk to me i am wasting away inside there is nothing left and soon it will show how bad its getting and i must hide it at all costs otherwise it will just be really really bad the mask i put across my face the chains that wrap around my hands and feet must remain there until eternity so that i can not hurt anyone else i care so much about them and all i am doing is hurting them and i am so sick of it the next attempt on my life may just be the end but i will continue to fight it for as long as i can.